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An old, bitter man
By David | November 7, 2009
I have become an old, bitter man. I see always the negative and ugly before the positive and beautiful. I am so far beyond cynical, I see ulterior motives for ulterior motives. And my words, often spoken without thinking, hurt deeply the ones I love the most.
I have heard this a number of times from my wife. At first I blew it off, thinking I had every right to be grumpy and crotchety. I was on the early edge of the worst economic downturn in American history. In a few months it will be three years since I worked in my profession. Three years. My fall back “career” has been slow to take off and there have been times when I wondered if it was just a mistake to even pursue.
To say that having a new family while being out of work/working part-time/working full-time/back to working part-time/finally back to working full-time has been stressful and difficult (in all ways, not just financial) would be an understatement.
So I’m justified in my grumpiness and bitterness. Right?
…
…
I guess not. Things have sucked, yes. But during that same time I have found the woman who makes me feel like a better man than I am. I have a son who is as stubborn and independent as his father. Perhaps more so (we’ll see). He is extremely bright and curious about the world around him — or at least the world involving video games. I have two little beautiful princesses girls who are…..and this is not exaggeration…..the most perfect, pretty, smart, darling girlies EVER. I have support from my family that I’m not even sure I deserve. I even live where it hits 90+ degrees on Halloween and people consider temps in the mid fifties to be winter.
So, sucky times? Yes. Best of times? Definitely.
How do I stay focused on the good and stop dwelling on the bad? How do I lighten up when the weight of bills, parenting, and being a better husband seems to be just driving me into the floor? How do I live in the moment when I am always trying to plan ahead/be prepared?
How do I be me, but stop being me?
Note to reader: This was written a week ago…either very early or very late (I don’t remember which). The past week has been much better.
Topics: Family, Marriage, Parenthood, Rambling | 7 Comments »
November 8th, 2009 at 6:40 am
You don’t stop being you. You just concentrate on being thankful for what you have instead of lamenting over what you don’t.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Sandi is right.
but for the record, you are not alone in these feelings, you are not alone, my friend.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
mike has become a bitter old man as well. the two of you should talk…you’re both turning into fred!
November 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Wow, I know how you feel. You get into funks. It happens. I actually went into a huge funk a while back and I saw a therapist. I literally felt better after the first week. She just taught me how to think of things differently. You have to repeat positive messages in your head over and over and it actually works!
November 17th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Right after my wife’s second brain surgery, she shared a room with a woman that had also had brain surgery. The difference was that my wife was showing improvement, but the other woman was getting a little bit worse every day. Pretty soon she was in a comma and not expected to recover. As bad a shape as my wife was in and if you remember my blog then, it was pretty bad, she surprised the hell out of me with something she said. She looked over at the woman and then back at me and said, “You know, I guess I am pretty lucky after all. I could be like her”.
So when you start feeling sorry for yourself, try counting your blessings instead of dwelling on the negatives, because it could always be worse, a lot worse.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Right after my wife’s second brain surgery, she shared a room with a woman that had also had brain surgery. The difference was that my wife was showing improvement, but the other woman was getting a little bit worse every day. After a few days the woman was in a comma and not expected to recover. As bad a shape as my wife was in and if you remember my blog then, it was pretty bad, she surprised the hell out of me with something she said. She looked over at the woman and then back at me and said, “You know, I guess I am pretty lucky after all. I could be like her”.
So when you start feeling sorry for yourself, try counting your blessings instead of dwelling on the negatives, because it could always be worse, a lot worse.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Living in Michigan and also having the same “former” profession, I can completely feel your pain. My wife and family, like yours, is the reason I’m here. As the weight of gloom was keeping me down, my brilliant wife told me all that pressure that I was hold placed me squarely at the bottom of the totem pole. And now totem pole can stand the test of time without a strong, solid base. Welcome to the club of strong, solid bases.